Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No - To Take Control of Your Life
I have a confession to make. When the reality of prolonged confinement with COVID-19 sunk in for me I did two things; I sent my husband out to purchase flour for me so I could continue my baking and I made a stealthy trip to the back of the church, let myself in, found a stack of books to read, and brought them home. My panic-filled thought that every library would be locked up a loooong time to come, prompted me to act. Only a bit later, did I realize I could order books online, or even borrow some from others.
The pandemic put a limit on my access to libraries - and our access to so many other things we have previously done and enjoyed. Rules and regulations have been put in place for our protection, whether we “like them” or not. Along with them have come some physical boundaries. One-way-only signs are posted in the aisles of grocery stores and Walmart. Access to some parts of a hospital are cordoned off. Orange cones or tape is used so we social distance. Masks are required when we are in close proximity to others.
These boundaries are respected by some people. They are not respected by others, and the reasons for that are personal and complex. Our current realities got me to thinking about an excellent book I read back in 1992. It was fresh off the press and was used in a spiritual growth class I took at a local church. I have since misplaced or given the book away.... so I ordered one online! It is called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No - to Take Control of Your Life. It was written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and updated a few years ago. They also have 16 other books with “Boundaries” in the title.
This morning I want to share with you: what personal boundaries looks like, why they are important and what the Bible says about them. To get us started I have a story to get us thinking. The parents of a 25-year-old man came to see Dr. Cloud. They wanted him to “fix“ their son Joshua. They recited a history of problems from his youth - up through his adulthood. He had dropped in and out of high school then multiple colleges. He had questionable friends, did drugs, avoided responsibility, and had found no job or career. These parents loved their son very much, had given him all he needed financially and otherwise, and were heartbroken. They told Dr. Cloud they’d tried everything they knew to get Joshua to change, and live a responsible life, but all efforts had failed.
When asked why their son wasn’t with them, they explained that Josh didn’t think he had a problem. Dr. Cloud said “I think your son is right, HE doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken them from him. Many things you handle should be his problem - but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like me to help you - help him have some problems? “
The shocked parents asked him to explain what he meant. He said that the solution to the problem would involve clarifying their boundaries, so that their son’s actions caused him problems, and not them. Their son is irresponsible and happy each day - and they are responsible and miserable. The father asked whether It would be cruel to stop helping their son. Dr. Cloud replied: “Has helping him....helped?”
These well-meaning parents did not have healthy boundaries with their son.
It is normal for children to test parental limits. They’ll look for ways around rules or boundaries and in this case, it seems that the son did that very well. What the parents eventually learned was that setting and holding their own boundaries improved their son’s choices. As they stopped over-functioning, he had to either become responsible for himself or experience some painful natural consequences. The apostle Paul talks about this in Galatians 6:7, saying “A man reaps what he sows“. While it can be tempting to interrupt this law of sowing and reaping, by rescuing someone, that interference will cause harm.
Have there ever been times when you noticed a pattern of you doing things for others- that they could and should be doing for themselves? If you recognize that in yourself here are a few possibilities that explain WHY you might be stuck in that area. You might have a boundary conflict called compliance. Compliant people have “fuzzy and indistinct boundaries so they ‘melt’ into the demands and needs of other people.” (p. 52). They struggle to stand alone and be distinct when people want something from them. They will pretend they want to go to the mall and the movies with friends just “to get along” and not rock the boat.
The Bible says we all need to “set a guard on our heart” in Proverbs 4:23. That means we should say NO when we have a different opinion. How well does your “no” muscle work in your life? Can you say “I disagree. Stop that. That is bad. It’s wrong. That hurts?”
If you are compliant and the word NO catches in your throat, here are some common reasons why that may happen: We fear hurting someone’s feelings. We fear they will be angry or may pull away in the relationship. We can fear being seen as bad or selfish. Or we may fear we are being too critical or strict.
If you recognize any of these patterns of thinking in yourself - you are probably Saying Yes to Something Bad. This is a good time to pause and clarify what a boundary is – and what it is not. Townsend and Cloud define a boundary as “the ability to see yourself as separate from others and therefor you own your life as your responsibility.” Boundaries help us define what we want in our life and what we want kept out of our life. It’s like drawing a line so we and others can clearly understand what we say yes to and accept – and what we say no to and will not tolerate.
This concept of boundaries is revealed in God, who defines himself as distinct and separate from us His creation. God also tells us clearly who He is and is not. We who are made in God’s likeness are to also have an individual separateness and say yes to some things and no to others.
But… none of us are born with boundaries, they are not in our genes, we don’t inherit them. We all have to build them. When we are about two years old, we should begin doing that by saying NO to the Bad and hopefully Yes to the Good. We should begin to understand the importance of truth-telling and taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.
But we don’t live in a perfect, healthy, or holy world. So while you may start out with some pretty good “starter” boundaries, it likely won’t be long before you encounter someone with poor boundaries, like some who lacks limits and is compliant. Or you might have someone raising you who is inconsistent with limits. That can happen in alcoholic families wherein a parent is loving some days and unreasonably harsh other days. Or a third common reality is that someone in your life may be over-controlling, with rules so strict they don’t protect but end up causing harm.
I know this is a lot to take in. It isn’t easy to realize that people we know and love can have unhealthy boundaries but be well-meaning. The best thing we can do for any relationship is concentrate not on them, but on ourselves. So I invite you to take a short two-part assessment of your boundaries.
The first question is about Identity, knowing who you are. Think about all of the people who are important in your life and write down the following questions: Can I consistently say what I feel? Can I freely share what I like or want? Can I say what I think or what I like? Now look over these questions and write down the names of any people who do not support your identity; they may be critical or seek to control you. Be honest with yourself as you answer these questions.
Here is the second question: Identity, knowing who you are not. Once again consider all of the people who are important in your life and then write down the following questions: can I freely say that I disagree with them? Can I say what I do not like or do not want to do? Can I express what I do not believe? If you answered yes to all of these, that is wonderful! If not, write down the names of people who try to interfere with your boundaries.
Then, here are some next steps to setting and holding a firmer boundary. First, identify which limit they are testing, or not honoring. Next, be prepared to clearly name or describe in simple terms - who you are - or who you are not - the next time you find yourself in that situation. Finally, thank them for listening to you. They may respect your message or not. Keep the focus on yourself and what you can control. Stay grounded, calm and consistent. And you might also want to invite a friend to hold you accountable and encourage you as you hold your healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work but the payoffs are wonderful! You will enjoy more respectful conversations with others. You‘ll feel more at peace because others will know you, understand and appreciate you. You won’t overextend or exhaust yourself because you can and will say no. Healthy boundaries will help you take control of your life and make you feel emotionally safe.
I hope that thinking about boundaries this morning was helpful. Tune in next week as we continue to learn more about when and how we can set healthy boundaries, not only within us, so we are self- controlled, but also in our important relationships. Plus there will be more life application lessons.
Until then - may God be with you, helping you guard your hearts...
The pandemic put a limit on my access to libraries - and our access to so many other things we have previously done and enjoyed. Rules and regulations have been put in place for our protection, whether we “like them” or not. Along with them have come some physical boundaries. One-way-only signs are posted in the aisles of grocery stores and Walmart. Access to some parts of a hospital are cordoned off. Orange cones or tape is used so we social distance. Masks are required when we are in close proximity to others.
These boundaries are respected by some people. They are not respected by others, and the reasons for that are personal and complex. Our current realities got me to thinking about an excellent book I read back in 1992. It was fresh off the press and was used in a spiritual growth class I took at a local church. I have since misplaced or given the book away.... so I ordered one online! It is called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No - to Take Control of Your Life. It was written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and updated a few years ago. They also have 16 other books with “Boundaries” in the title.
This morning I want to share with you: what personal boundaries looks like, why they are important and what the Bible says about them. To get us started I have a story to get us thinking. The parents of a 25-year-old man came to see Dr. Cloud. They wanted him to “fix“ their son Joshua. They recited a history of problems from his youth - up through his adulthood. He had dropped in and out of high school then multiple colleges. He had questionable friends, did drugs, avoided responsibility, and had found no job or career. These parents loved their son very much, had given him all he needed financially and otherwise, and were heartbroken. They told Dr. Cloud they’d tried everything they knew to get Joshua to change, and live a responsible life, but all efforts had failed.
When asked why their son wasn’t with them, they explained that Josh didn’t think he had a problem. Dr. Cloud said “I think your son is right, HE doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken them from him. Many things you handle should be his problem - but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like me to help you - help him have some problems? “
The shocked parents asked him to explain what he meant. He said that the solution to the problem would involve clarifying their boundaries, so that their son’s actions caused him problems, and not them. Their son is irresponsible and happy each day - and they are responsible and miserable. The father asked whether It would be cruel to stop helping their son. Dr. Cloud replied: “Has helping him....helped?”
These well-meaning parents did not have healthy boundaries with their son.
It is normal for children to test parental limits. They’ll look for ways around rules or boundaries and in this case, it seems that the son did that very well. What the parents eventually learned was that setting and holding their own boundaries improved their son’s choices. As they stopped over-functioning, he had to either become responsible for himself or experience some painful natural consequences. The apostle Paul talks about this in Galatians 6:7, saying “A man reaps what he sows“. While it can be tempting to interrupt this law of sowing and reaping, by rescuing someone, that interference will cause harm.
Have there ever been times when you noticed a pattern of you doing things for others- that they could and should be doing for themselves? If you recognize that in yourself here are a few possibilities that explain WHY you might be stuck in that area. You might have a boundary conflict called compliance. Compliant people have “fuzzy and indistinct boundaries so they ‘melt’ into the demands and needs of other people.” (p. 52). They struggle to stand alone and be distinct when people want something from them. They will pretend they want to go to the mall and the movies with friends just “to get along” and not rock the boat.
The Bible says we all need to “set a guard on our heart” in Proverbs 4:23. That means we should say NO when we have a different opinion. How well does your “no” muscle work in your life? Can you say “I disagree. Stop that. That is bad. It’s wrong. That hurts?”
If you are compliant and the word NO catches in your throat, here are some common reasons why that may happen: We fear hurting someone’s feelings. We fear they will be angry or may pull away in the relationship. We can fear being seen as bad or selfish. Or we may fear we are being too critical or strict.
If you recognize any of these patterns of thinking in yourself - you are probably Saying Yes to Something Bad. This is a good time to pause and clarify what a boundary is – and what it is not. Townsend and Cloud define a boundary as “the ability to see yourself as separate from others and therefor you own your life as your responsibility.” Boundaries help us define what we want in our life and what we want kept out of our life. It’s like drawing a line so we and others can clearly understand what we say yes to and accept – and what we say no to and will not tolerate.
This concept of boundaries is revealed in God, who defines himself as distinct and separate from us His creation. God also tells us clearly who He is and is not. We who are made in God’s likeness are to also have an individual separateness and say yes to some things and no to others.
But… none of us are born with boundaries, they are not in our genes, we don’t inherit them. We all have to build them. When we are about two years old, we should begin doing that by saying NO to the Bad and hopefully Yes to the Good. We should begin to understand the importance of truth-telling and taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.
But we don’t live in a perfect, healthy, or holy world. So while you may start out with some pretty good “starter” boundaries, it likely won’t be long before you encounter someone with poor boundaries, like some who lacks limits and is compliant. Or you might have someone raising you who is inconsistent with limits. That can happen in alcoholic families wherein a parent is loving some days and unreasonably harsh other days. Or a third common reality is that someone in your life may be over-controlling, with rules so strict they don’t protect but end up causing harm.
I know this is a lot to take in. It isn’t easy to realize that people we know and love can have unhealthy boundaries but be well-meaning. The best thing we can do for any relationship is concentrate not on them, but on ourselves. So I invite you to take a short two-part assessment of your boundaries.
The first question is about Identity, knowing who you are. Think about all of the people who are important in your life and write down the following questions: Can I consistently say what I feel? Can I freely share what I like or want? Can I say what I think or what I like? Now look over these questions and write down the names of any people who do not support your identity; they may be critical or seek to control you. Be honest with yourself as you answer these questions.
Here is the second question: Identity, knowing who you are not. Once again consider all of the people who are important in your life and then write down the following questions: can I freely say that I disagree with them? Can I say what I do not like or do not want to do? Can I express what I do not believe? If you answered yes to all of these, that is wonderful! If not, write down the names of people who try to interfere with your boundaries.
Then, here are some next steps to setting and holding a firmer boundary. First, identify which limit they are testing, or not honoring. Next, be prepared to clearly name or describe in simple terms - who you are - or who you are not - the next time you find yourself in that situation. Finally, thank them for listening to you. They may respect your message or not. Keep the focus on yourself and what you can control. Stay grounded, calm and consistent. And you might also want to invite a friend to hold you accountable and encourage you as you hold your healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work but the payoffs are wonderful! You will enjoy more respectful conversations with others. You‘ll feel more at peace because others will know you, understand and appreciate you. You won’t overextend or exhaust yourself because you can and will say no. Healthy boundaries will help you take control of your life and make you feel emotionally safe.
I hope that thinking about boundaries this morning was helpful. Tune in next week as we continue to learn more about when and how we can set healthy boundaries, not only within us, so we are self- controlled, but also in our important relationships. Plus there will be more life application lessons.
Until then - may God be with you, helping you guard your hearts...